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I Went on a Diet and Gained 20 Pounds

Hang on. My fat rolls are chafing.

Ugh. I’m très salty right now. I went on this low-carb, low-fat, low-calorie, low-health diet that Gwyneth Paltrow supposedly uses to maintain the body of a 12-year-old boy.

It wasn’t too bad at first. You get to eat unlimited iceberg lettuce, with a colonic for dessert. Everything was going well until Day 12 when I was limited to an almond for breakfast, an ice cube for lunch, and fat-shaming myself in the mirror for dinner.

Then… raw cookie dough happened.

You don’t know anger, you don’t know frustration, you don’t know insanity until you see a grown woman hoovering the phallic cylinder of a freshly opened pack of chocolate chip cookie dough.

I blame it on Roberto.

But because I am health, I stopped myself before finishing the whole pack, dumped it in the trash, and squirted dish soap on it for good measure.

Coincidentally, it was on this night I also discovered that I can indeed tolerate ingesting dish soap. *shrug*

Maybe keto would be a better fit? A woman needs her cheese. #DeepThoughts

-Cado
XXX

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